


Lilies in a rose bouquet

by i_really_like_trees_and_cats



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fluff, I hope you like it, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide mention, Treebros, but like a dusting of angst as you always get with treebros, connor murphy fake death, convan, doesnt follow canon obviously, here is my first multi chapter fic, i have so many cute scenes plotted in my head i cant wait to share, i promise there will be so much fluff to come, no one wrote this fic so i did, ok so turns out there's alot of angst, ok so!, slow burn????, we will see as we go along
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-06 10:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13409751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_really_like_trees_and_cats/pseuds/i_really_like_trees_and_cats
Summary: It was late at night on a Thursday, and Evan sat perched on his bed. Heidi wasn't due back yet until the early morning so Evan went about his usual routine. He liked just sitting in the dark of his room, letting the stillness wash over him as he unloaded the anxiety the day had caused him. On this particular Thursday, however, Evan was the opposite of the calm he usually found himself in at this hour.His phone illuminated the room, the light taking over the darkness, just as the contents Evan was scrolling through took over his mind. The thing was: Connor Murphy was dead.





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> I'm excited to get this fic started. So just a little info:
> 
> in this fic Evan doesnt have a crush on zoe and doesnt write about her in the letter  
> lots of mention of suicide and suicidal thoughts so please be careful.
> 
> i promise later chapters will be super fluffy just bare with me a while.  
> I've wanted to read a fic like this for so so so long but could never find one so i decided to write it myself.
> 
> Im on tumblr @i-really-like-trees-and-cats if you ever need to talk. You are not alone. xxx

 

It was late at night on a Thursday, and Evan sat perched on his bed. Heidi wasn't due back yet until the early morning so Evan went about his usual routine. He liked just sitting in the dark of his room, letting the stillness wash over him as he unloaded the anxiety the day had caused him. On this particular Thursday, however, Evan was the opposite of the calm he usually found himself in at this hour.

 

His phone illuminated the room, the light taking over the darkness, just as the contents Evan was scrolling through took over his mind. The thing was: Connor Murphy was dead. 

Rhythmically swing his finger up his off-brand phone, Evan let the tweets fill his head.

 

**@AlannaBeck:** Still can’t believe the news about @connormurphy. I wouldn't say that we were friends exactly, more like acquaintances.

 

**@DennisMurf:** Connor was such a bro. We got along so well, this really devast8s me.

 

**@AlannaBeck:** We were in chemistry together, I’m pretty sure. He was also in my English class in 10th grade. I'm almost positive. 

 

**@AlannaBeck:** Yeah he was definitely in my English class. 

 

**@meadowtherapy:** We need to fight the stigma! Raise awareness about mental illness today! Don't let other people go down the same path Connor Murphy did. 

 

**@CronchKleinman:** Get Connor buttons to commemorate his wonderful life, ended far to early.

 

**@AlannaBeck:** 3 days ago, @connormurphy was here. And now, now he's gone.

 

**@CronchKleinman:** Now just $5 a button! Show your love for your favorite student.

 

**@AlannaBeck:** If Connor meant something to you, please RT. Or private message me, if you just want to talk. At times like these, we could all use a friend. 

 

Huh, a friend.

 

Evan’s mind revisited the last interaction Evan had had with Connor Murphy. 

It was in the computer lab. 

 

———

 

Evan sat at the computer, hastily typing out his thoughts into the document. He fell into his thoughts, allowing them to strike him at the core. It wasn't what Doctor Sherman would have wanted him to write but today, there seemed to be a severe lack of a positive side to things.

 

He pressed ‘print’ and set about packing his laptop and books into his bag. His phone let out a ping, signaling a text from his mother. 

 

** Mum: **

_I have to work late again tonight, I wont be able to take you to your session. When you get home there’s $20 to buy some pizza. Good luck with Doctor Sherman later! I love you! xxx_

 

His body deflated. Evan could sense the feigned positivity her words always carried through the text. All he ever did was disappoint her. Just as quickly as his body sagged, however, it was drawn in tight at the sound of someone clearing their throat behind him.

 

Evan glanced over at the next person who was going to be subject to his social inadequacy. Standing a few feet away, was Connor Murphy. His stance was guarded, one hand clutched to his bag, as if Evan were going to attack it at any point. The other, holding onto a piece of paper with a delicate grip, contrasting the other. He was hunched into himself, standing just as Evan did, a sort of im-here-but-if-stand-like-this-for-long-enough-ill-disappear-forever type attitude. 

 

“So. What happened to your arm?” His own arm flailing about, keeping the chaotic energy at bay.

 

“Um, I, uh, fell out of a tree actually.” Evan managed to get out through a tight throat.

 

“You fell out of a tree?” 

 

Evan nodded in response, “y-yeah” barely a whisper.

 

Connor let out a breath of air that was probably intended to be a laugh. “Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever head, oh my god.” His words slowly coming out as actual laughs as the sentence went along.

 

“No, I, uh, I know.”

 

“No one’s signed your cast.” Connor added pointing to the paster clad to Evan’s arm, currently getting picked at by its owner. 

 

“No. I know.” Evan internally scolded himself for saying the same statement twice, how boring can he be?

 

“Well, I’ll sign it.” Connor said, loosening his posture and standing up straight, revealing his true height. Evan took a small step back, this was some kind of joke right? Or was he just rubbing in the fact that he doesn't have any friends. Or maybe he just thinks he’s pathetic. Yeah. Thats it. Take pity on Evan and sign his cast. 

 

“You don’t- you don't have to.” Evan finally said, but Connor persisted. He walked a few paces closer but kept a safe distance between them.

 

“Do you, uh, have a sharpie?” The outline of a smirk hinting at his mouth.

 

Evan reached in his pocket with shaking hands and took out the sharpie Heidi had given him. He clutched the plastic as tight as he could, trying to steady his hands, when he realized how sweaty they were. Quickly wiping both the pen and his hands on his pants, he gave the sharpie to Connor. 

 

Connor looked wearily into Evan’s eyes. Behind the stark blue, was a mixture of caution, fear, and understanding. Slowly he took a final step to stand next to Evan, taking the sharpie in his hand. 

 

He carefully tucked the paper under his arm and hoisted Evan’s arm up to a position in which he could write on it better. As if he were determined to not chicken out, Connor forced it up towards him with such force that he made Evan whimper out a “ow”.

 

The best comprehension of Evan’s pain Connor could get out was a small “oh.”

 

A look of concentration on his face, Connor scrawled his own name over the entirety of one side of the cast in big, block letters.Evan stared at it in disbelief.What was he supposed to say when someone signed your cast? He’d never done this before. What’s the normal thing?

 

He stammered out the best response he could will to his mind. “Oh, great… thanks.”

 

“Yeah, well, now we can both pretend that we have friends.” Connor said, glancing to the side.

 

Evan’s face flushed and he let out a small huff that was somewhere between a laugh at himself and an attempt at a empathetic statement. He looked down at the cast and then back up at Connor Murphy. A myriad of thoughts racing through his mind as to what might happen in the future. 

 

For now, his body seemed to think running and hiding in the toilet was an ideal future. He began to move out of the room. Before he could do so, however, Connor called after him with the paper extended from his arm.

 

“Is this yours?” He said rather loud, startling Evan. “I, uh, found it on the printer. It says ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ on it. That’s your name right?” A smile grew on his face in an attempt of a friendly gesture. 

 

“Oh. No. No. That’s just r-really stupid. It’s just- it’s just this paper I need to write.” Evan reached out for his letter. He needed it back. Connor could not see how truly pathetic he was. That letter only contained a sliver of the worst of him, but that was still too much to share.

 

His arm flung out with no prevail, as Connor drew it in close and began to read. “Dear Evan Hansen, Turns out today wasn't an amazing day after all. Its not going to be an amazing week or an amazing month or an amazing year because, why would it be?”

 

Evan tried to stop him, constant failed attempts to get it out of his hands. His eyes started watering, “pl-please. Just stop. Please.” Never the less, Connor went on, his face furrowed with confusion.

 

“I wish that I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if just disappeared tomorrow?” Connor raised his eyes, scanning the entirety of Evan, who's whole body was now shaking. “You… you write this?”

 

“I just- It was for- I mean.” His breathing overtook his words, jagged and loud. 

 

“I had no idea-“ Before Connor could finished Evan was running away.

 

———

 

Evan pulled himself from the recollection, not wanting to relive a terrible panic attack again. Not wanting to imagine the many endings that sentence could have had. It was probably best he didn't stick around.

 

More tweets arrived on the screen as he refreshed the page.

 

Connor probably saw his letter and thought is was a good idea. To disappear. So it was his fault? Or maybe he helped? I mean, look how it worked out so well for Connor; Everyone bonding over how much they cared about him, letting his worst qualities slip away like sand through willingly spread fingers.

 

Maybe if he just climbed higher this time. He could just escape like Connor did. Leave all of it behind and let others clean up his mess like some charity group. He could just get rid of the burden he places upon every single person he forms a relationship with. 

 

He could just let go.

 

His hands started shaking. He needed to pull himself out of his spiraling state. In a bittersweet and grounding resolution, there was a tap at Evan’s window. He turned around to face the source of the noise.

 

Evan’s eyes landed on a tall, dark figure. The figure lowered his hood, and let the moonlight fall onto his face. Sharp, blue eyes stared back at Evan, belonging to-

 

_ “Connor Murphy?! But you're supposed to be dead!” _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hansen. I can explain” Connor said in a hurry, noticing the way Evan’s hands started to waver. 
> 
> “You… you’re supposed to be. You. You’re dead? Yeah. You. Why.. why are you? What are? No, wait. I. No. Why?” Hansen rambled on, his whole body was shaking but persisted pacing about. “No, because. A-and everyone. They think? Or I think? Oh yeah. I think. Me.”
> 
> Connor stood and observed the muttering boy, making a note to self that he should definitely prank some jerk from high school into thinking he was a ghost. Meanwhile, Evan was inching closer and closer to where he was hunched. 
> 
> ______________
> 
> Connor needs Evan's help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Me again.
> 
> I hope you enjoy chapter two. Its Connor's turn.   
> (less talk about death in this chapter but still a smidge so be careful)
> 
> Im on tumblr @i-really-like-trees-and-cats if you want to talk or ask me stuff.   
> You will get through this. I'm really proud of you. xxx

Connor fell through the window with a small thump. Dismissing a dull pain in his arm, he looked up to the boy who’s house he had just infiltrated. Evan Hansen stood across the room, pacing back and forth. 

 

“Hansen. I can explain” Connor said in a hurry, noticing the way Evan’s hands started to waver. 

 

“You… you’re supposed to be. You. You’re dead? Yeah. You. Why.. why are you? What are? No, wait. I. No. Why?” Hansen rambled on, his whole body was shaking but persisted pacing about. “No, because. A-and everyone. They think? Or I think? Oh yeah. _I_ think. _Me.”_

 

Connor stood and observed the muttering boy, making a note to self that he should definitely prank some jerk from high school into thinking he was a ghost. Meanwhile, Evan was inching closer and closer to where he was hunched. 

 

The fidgety boy reached out a hesitant hand at Connor’s arm. His face was scrunched with concentration and purpose. He was different to when Connor had talked to him- or at least, tried to talk- in the computer lab. He was still nervous, yes, but this time it looked like he was taking control. Not selling himself on one negative outcome, but still scared of what the outcome might be.

 

Hansen’s hand touched his forearm, and as it made contact with his solid body, his eyes widened to look up at the boy clad in black. Connor stifled a small laugh at the ghost-or-not test that Evan had just performed.

 

“You… You’re. Not. Dead?” 

 

“Yeah. I-“ Connor’s words caught in his throat. 

 

Wait. No. He couldn't do this. Not to Hansen. Sure, they’d been in school together before, but they’d only just talked a few days ago. He hardly knew him. Why would he even want to help? Fuck. Why does he keep fucking doing this? Making people victims. Burden them with his existence. 

 

“No. This was stupid. You shouldn't have to get dragged into my shit.”

 

Connor immediately regretted coming here in the first place. He started toward the window, balling up his fists to contain his anger until he could leave. 

 

“Wait! No. No, its ok. Just- just tell me.”

 

“WHY?” Connor started shouting and couldn't seem to stop. “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO WANT TO HELP ME? YOU ONLY JUST MET ME. WHY ON EARTH DO YOU THINK THAT _THIS_ -“ Connor gestured to himself- “IS WORTH SAVING? BECAUSE I CAN BLOODY WELL ASSURE YOU THAT IT’S NOT.”

 

It became apparent to Connor that he was yelling at himself, not Hansen. He unclenched his body and let it sag to the ground, his walls coming down and revealing his defeated state. He glued his eyes to the ground, not wanting to face the poor boy he had attacked. 

There was a creaking of a floorboard, signaling movement on the other end of the room. To Connor’s surprise, Evan was now crouched next to him. He reached out a wavering hand and attempted a comforting stroke on Connor’s back.

 

Connor flinched from the touch, not used to such an action. Hansen readjusted his position so he was a little bit further away from the bony boy. Connor immediately regretted it, realizing how much he actually… liked? being physically comforted.

 

Evan’s gentle voice reached out to Connor in an equally comforting way, “H-hey? It’s- it’s ok. I do want to, uh, help you. Just let me know what you need.”

 

Connor lifted an arm that felt like stone, into his pocket, pulling out the folded letter. He held it out towards Evan. The smaller boy plucked it delicately from his hand and unfolded it. 

 

Evan sucked in the air as if he were hurt. “Why- what do you want with this? Did I do something wrong? Or-or, did? What?”

 

He lifted his gaze and met Connor’s eyes with ones of shame. 

 

“I read your letter. Saw myself in the words, ya know? Thought I could trust you. I mean, you're the only one I know who thinks the same things as me. I was trying- I wanted to talk… or whatever. I thought.” He took a final, deep breath in before deciding to get the damn question over with. “Could I hide at your house?” 

 

Connor sat up a bit straighter, letting himself put his guard back up. Evan sat across from him, a million thoughts whirring behind his eyes. They sat there for a while, Connor in limbo and Evan deciding his fate. When, finally, Evan moved to face Connor.

 

He drew in a long breath before he announced, “Ok.”

 

Connor was taken aback. He opened and closed his mouth a few times trying to work out to say. How on earth was he supposed to communicate just how much gratitude he felt? 

 

He never really had control over the emotions he portrayed, but with as much sincerity as he could muster he said, “thank you, Evan.”

 

He seemed to understand his sentiment because he met Connor with a weak smile. Then, slowly and surely, the smile turned into a large yawn.

 

“Uh, so sleeping arrangements…” Evan said as his eyes started to wilt.

 

“I can just sleep on the floor. It’s fine.” He turned and looked at the floor and then to his bag that he had hardly packed in his hurry to get away. Eh, for a pillow, it would do. He started bunching the objects in it so that is was somewhat comfortable.

 

When Evan saw what he was doing, his eyes widened and he held out his arms to shake in front of Connor. “No, no, no, no. You- I have a roll out mattress and spare bedding. Its ok.” Hansen looked down at Connor’s body, and flicked his gaze back up quickly. 

 

“Pajamas!” Hansen exclaimed, surprising himself as much as Connor. “You, uh, you don't have any pajamas. I could lend some to you if you want?”

 

Connor smirked, “Why? Is what I’m wearing not good enough for you?” Finally feeling his regular walls of sarcastic defense return. 

 

Evan flushed and started fiddling with his bedding. “No. I just- just thought you might like something more comfortable?” His voice raising in pitch by the second.

 

“If you say so…” Connor droned. He actually wouldn't mind a change of clothes, but he refused to lose his reputable edge despite his situation.

 

Connor changed into sweat pants and a t-shirt that said ‘you’re treemendous’. Both of which ended rather short on his body, and made him look even more like a flimsy twig.

 

Throwing his grey hoodie on, like a safety net ready to catch his fall, he went to join Hansen in his room. He was rolling out the trundle bed when Connor came in. The smaller boy looked up at Connor with worried look and began fumbling around with the covers for the new bed. 

 

After a while of watching Hansen perfect the way in which the bed was arranged, Evan signaled to to Connor that he was done with a definitive pat on the mattress. Connor took a few strides and sat on the edge of the bed, folding his impossibly long legs up in half.

 

The two misfits swayed, teetering uncomfortably. Every noise amplified, making their lack of conversation as obvious as Connor’s homosexuality. 

 

“So… Goodnight?” Connor ventured, hoping to draw this long night to an end.

 

“Uh, yeah. Goodnight.” Hansen’s voice straining to find the energy for a cheerful tone, sounding somewhat like a sleep deprived kindergarten teacher. 

 

He flicked off the lights and both boys settled into their respective beds, finding a comfortable position. And there they stayed. Still. Pretending to be asleep. Desperately willing themselves to not disturb the already-awake other. 

 

Each boy lost themselves in a fury of thoughts, imagining all the different ways they could screw this thing up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Let me know what you think, what you want more of, etc. and i can make it happen.  
> Stay tuned for more :)
> 
> I hope you have a good day xx
> 
> tumblr:  
> @i-really-like-trees-and-cats  
> @serendipty-of-clementine


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finished the milk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya :)
> 
> Hope you like this chapter. there are some deceptions of feeling heavy and low in there so just be careful x  
> School started back up for me so I'll try to update as soon as i can but it might take a little while longer.  
> Also! Im doing alternating POVs each chapter, so its Evan's go.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @i-really-like-tree-and-cats if you want to talk :)
> 
> This is only a hurdle and I know that you can get over it xxx

Somewhere in the middle of overthinking every possible outcome of his decision, Evan had fallen asleep. He let the events of last night wash over him. The not-so-dead Connor Murphy had asked to stay in his house and he said yes. Before he could berate himself on the repercussions of his choice yet again, he reminded himself of Connor’s face.

 

When he asked him, he look up at Evan with such desperation and pleading. Like a fire behind Connor’s eyes was going out and Evan was the only one who could reignite it. In that moment, all Evan wanted to do was help. 

 

He thought about what Connor had said. About seeing himself within Evan’s letter. Evan was sure he saw himself in Connor just as much. Even if it was hopeless trying to save himself, Evan could at least try to save someone who was in the same situation.

 

Evan sighed and decided he had done right thing, lifting himself up off the bed ready to face the awkwardness of the morning with Connor Murphy. He looked down and was faced with... An empty bed. 

 

Great. Just great. Was his company all that bad that Connor couldn't even bare to stay one night? Or what if it was all a dream? What if all of that stuff never happened and he just slept made a bed or something? What if he really was talking to a ghost? 

 

Just as Evan had allowed himself to feel somewhat disappointed in the absence of Connor, his bedroom door was kicked open by a lanky leg. Connor winced when he heard the door crash after swinging all the way open. He didn't stop to close it, though, because he was holding two bowls in his hands. 

 

“Oh, uh…” Connor stared, still looking regretfully at the door. He turned back to Evan to announce, “I made us breakfast! I kinda didn't really sleep… at all… last night, but! It gave me a chance to make you some cereal. Sorry if you don't like it. Cereal is kinda of the only food I can make without burning the house down. Oh and I kinda finished the milk. So, uh. Here.”

 

Evan took a bowl, appreciating his hands behaving themselves despite his state of shock. Connor sat to the side, and dismissively ate his cereal, poorly hiding the fact that he kept glancing over to Evan, gauging his reaction.

 

“Thanks” Evan approved with a smile. However, before he could properly tuck in, a high pitched alarm went off beside Evan’s bed side table. His body seised up when he remembered that he was due at the hell hole. 

 

Connor’s body resigned itself, just as it had the night before when he first came in. “Oh… you have school now don't you?” An expression somewhere between relief and sorrow passed across his face for a fleeting moment, soon replaced by a vacant one.

 

“Yeah…” Evan sighed. He really didn't want to face people today. I mean there’s one thing going to school with crippling social anxiety, but another going to school with the knowledge that a dead boy is not dead and in fact very much alive in his house.

 

Just the thought of going to school today made him want to hide under his covers, so, like any reasonable teenager, he decided he would do just that. Evan picked up his phone and sent a quick text to his mother explaining his absence from school.

 

“Aaaand… now I’m not. Going to school. That is. Im not- I don't have to go to school anymore. Yeah.” Evan lamely explained to Connor. 

 

A lingering smirk painted itself upon Connor’s face and a thick blanket of silence covered them. Something that they couldn't seem to shrug away. The two finished their breakfast and made hesitant eye contact. Evan was surprised to find a tiny flick of brown in the corner of Connor’s right eye.

 

He studied it for a little longer than what is socially acceptable, finding the irregularity to be rather beautiful. Evan snapped himself out of his thoughts and motioned for Connor to follow him down the hall. 

 

Connor seemed to get the message because he carefully mimicked Evan’s actions of cleaning away the bowls. Once there was no more action to fill the silence, Evan decided that there was no other alternative but to attempt a conversation.

 

“Uh… s-so.” He had grabbed Connor’s attention. Great. No going back now. “Do you? I-I mean. Would you, uh, like to- to go? Uh! No! Not _go_ , go. But, like. O-on a house tour?”

 

Connor got up from leaning against the counter top and nodded, “Yeah, Hansen. Lets go with that.”

 

“So… as you might have guessed, this is the kitchen. It, um, also doubles as a dining because it’s a small house and we never… really… eat… together…” His words subsided as the pitiful sentence went along.

 

Either Connor failed to hear him or he wanted to avoid his blunt deprecation, because he turned from Evan and inspected the room. “It’s nice.” Connor concluded, sharing with Evan the same inexperienced kindness as he had done in the computer lab.

 

Evan motioned for Connor to follow him out from the kitchen into the hall and lounge, announcing them as he went. They returned to Evan’s room standing like you do when someone new comes into your room. Connor was scanning his eyes over the room, noticing small details like the picked-at sheets of Evan's bed or the pot plants with name tags. Details that Evan did not want Connor to see.

 

“So, uh, now- now what?” Evan asked, trying to pry his attention away from his flawed room. 

 

“Well. What do you usually do when you take the day off from school?” Connor inquired….

 

Out of no where Evan burst into laughter. A real laugh, not one he uses to fill up space. He had no idea why he found it so funny. I mean, all he did was lie in his bed, overthinking every thing he had ever done or will ever do. Maybe it was the notion of actually _doing_ something on a mental health day.

 

Evan looked up at Connor who wore a perplexed look on his face and decided he should give some explanation. 

 

“Uh, it just that I don’t. I just lay on my bed all day, really.” The words coming out as breathy laughter. 

 

Half of Connor’s mouth lifted up into a smile, letting his eyes hold a bit of the joy. “Works for me.”

 

For moment Evan was shocked. Did he. Did he mean both going in Evans bed? What the heck? What does he even do? Is there bed sharing etiquette or something? 

 

Before he could get worked up about the event of sharing a bed with Connor, the latter returned himself to the bed that he slept in. Oh. Right, right. Evan _totally_ knew that he would go there. Psh. He wasn't thinking sharing a bed with Connor was a possibility at all. Ha… ha. Nope…

 

Evan followed Connor’s lead and found himself a comfortable position on his own bed. He could already feel himself sinking into the mattress. He simultaneously felt his anxiety seep out of him and the dark, heavy feeling fill up it’s place. 

 

In his bed he was safe from the outside world. Unfortunately, Evan was not included in that. Without anything else to focus on, Evan let himself be slowly drowned by the millions of thoughts flooding through his head. 

 

It was almost there. A rising water level, ready snatch away any air he had left. Building up, higher, and closer, and deeper, and darker. It’s mass overpowering Evan’s. Ready for him to just give up and swallow him whole. Evan wanted to give up. He was giving up.

 

Suddenly, a slight tap on his shoulder made the depths fall away. He shot up, quickly wiping away the tears in his eyes that threatened to fall. His eyes met Connor’s, who had somehow ended up on the end of his bed. His face was carrying an expression of shocked disgust.

 

“Uh. Is- is everything ok?” Evan’s wavered out. 

 

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Are you ok, though?” Connor said, acting as if the very notion of how he felt was irrelevant. 

 

“Yeah. Im, g-good.” The statement said in the exact opposite tone you would usually associate with good.

 

“I packed a book. Lets read instead.” Connor suggested with a little too much force behind his words. 

 

The shorter boy nodded and got his book, ‘ _Stardust’_ , from his bedside table. He looked over and saw Connor grab a very worn copy of ‘ _The Little Prince_ ’, admiring the way he held it so delicately compared to the rest of his belongings. 

 

Connor folded himself up again, taking a seat on the end of Evan’s bed. The honey haired boy suddenly became aware of his every movement. Making sure to readjust to the perfect position so there was no need for any more shuffling. Noticing Connor had already invested himself in his book, Evan cracked open his own and allowed himself to get lost in the perfectly orchestrated words. 

 

The two boys spent the rest of the day reading. Slowly then all at once, like a train leaving from a station, they learnt to be comfortable in the other’s company. Soon they found the mutual courage to lie down across the bed together, graduating to letting themselves wear their emotions painted on their faces. 

 

Every now and then words strung together stirred laughter within Connor or Evan and it didn't take long for Evan to decide that Connor’s laugh was one of the best he has ever heard. By the time the sun was setting, the two boys were freely pointing out their favorite lines to each other and had a few bumpy conversations about why they loved their respective book.

 

When Evan’s mind finally gave up on processing words he had decided that maybe living with Connor wouldn't be as bad as he had expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!!!
> 
> I like to think that Evan likes stardust because it involves people having a destiny or purpose (which he hopes he has himself), people finding each other and learning to accept and love themselves. Anywho.
> 
> Let me know what you think!  
> Thank you all for commenting and leaving kudos. it really inspires me to write more and gets me through bad days.  
> I hope you have a nice day xx
> 
> tumblr:  
> @i-really-like-trees-and-cats  
> @serendipty-of-clementine


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was now Monday. Evan had properly psyched himself up for school and left Connor home alone. The front door clicked shut and Connor felt a sense of relief wash over him. He was now properly alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey!
> 
> Sorry its been a while. School has started back up and i am pretty much stuck in a constant loop of school, homework, sleep, repeat. so thats fun. 
> 
> Any who, I hope you enjoy this chapter. It was fun exploring both of the characters.  
> Heads up - there is a tad of suicidal thoughts and vaguely implied self harm. 
> 
> I'm always here to talk on tumblr @i-really-like-tress-and-cats.
> 
> To anyone else who is overwhelmed with stress or schoolwork -  
> I hope you get the recognition and rest that you deserve. xxx

 

It had been a few days since Connor had first moved into Hansen’s room. During that somewhat awkward time, the two boys had managed to devise a system. Basically, Connor would live inside the house and hide in Evan’s wardrobe whenever Heidi was around. 

 

After a joke about being treated as an inside cat, Hansen insisted that they would go on day trips on weekends (as along as they were careful) and said that he would get Connor anything he would need. Which, while being a nice offer, didn’t really spark excitement within Connor.

 

It was now Monday. Evan had properly psyched himself up for school and left Connor home alone. The front door clicked shut and Connor felt a sense of relief wash over him. He was now properly alone. 

 

Having the perfect opportunity, Connor closed his eyes and took in his situation in. He let out a deep breath. He was safe. He was with Evan. He had escaped. He had risen above his depths and was finally able to take in the sweet air.

 

He was away from home, and school, and everyone he hurt or who hurt him. 

 

He was alone.

 

He was free. 

 

It was weird; how he had never even considered running away until he saw Evan’s letter. It was always _i want to die, i want to kill myself, life isn't worth it, you aren't worth it._ Perhaps the saddest thing of all is to see yourself in a sad thing. Connor had read Evan’s letter and his heart swelled with empathy. 

 

Soon enough he realized that there’s no point at all in feeling sorry for your mirror image. He needed to say fuck it, smash the mirror and move on. So he did just that. He stuffed his bag with all the things he thought he would need (fuck you to the 5th grade teacher who told him that books weren't worth saving in a house-on-fire scenario), and left. 

 

Right now Connor was so glad that he did. He glanced around at the Hansen’s abode. There was no fireplace in the living room, but a neat line of family photographs were placed upon the windowsill. Connor leant down to observe the photograph on the far left. Connor couldn't help but let out a gasp of unnatural laughter upon seeing a tiny Evan dressed as wolverine for halloween. 

 

He looked so different to the Hansen who had walked out the door just a few moments ago. His eyes were full of nothing but joy. His arms flying free, his entire presence was beaming. There were no anchors holding down the ends of his smile. This little kid was the Hansen before he had broken.

 

Connor turned away and walked down the length of the hallway in a few long strides, returning to the bedroom he now shared with Evan. It was his first opportunity to _really_ look at the room. Some people said that the eyes were the window to the soul, but Connor said that a bedroom was the key to values. 

 

Well, he didn't say that, but based on Evan’s room, if he had been invited to hang over to literally anyone’s house when he was ‘alive’ he would definitely say that. 

 

The walls were one of the first things Connor noticed when he first came into the room. They were painted a soft blue that encouraged a relaxation. Scattered over the walls were various posters of trees. He looked up and saw glow-in-the-dark stars littered over the ceiling. 

 

Connor remembered when he had his own starred ceiling. They were something he would stare at as he recuperated from battle every evening after dinner. He shut the world out until it was just him and those stars. 

 

Connor punched the bed and snapped himself out of the memory, knowing well enough that it would land him thinking about the other occupants of his house. 

 

For Evan to have those stars felt like a reassurance. Connor was glad that Hansen at least held onto the some shred of childhood comfort. 

 

The shelves of his headboard contained a tattered old stuffed toy, barely held together with most of its stuffing gone. Above it, Connor found a small stack of books. Amongst it was thecopy of _‘Stardust’_ that Hansen was reading the other day. 

 

He thought of the way Evan had talked about that book. Smiling through words as if he was letting Connor in on a secret. Something about this book had let Hansen truly shine.

 

Hansen’s shine. It was just a glimpse that he had seen but my god, he would kill everyone including himself if anything ever happened to it. 

 

On the bedside table, a delicately carved wooden box was slightly ajar. From where he was sitting he could see the tinted plastic and informative label of a tablet jar. He opened the box and plucked a bottle out, not caring to think about the ethicality of his actions.

 

Upon examining the bottle in further detail, Connor discovered it was medication for anxiety. A surge of rage consumed Connor. He felt sick with jealousy. 

 

Fucking Hansen gets medication and not him? Why the fuck should Hansen be allowed to have this when he isn’t? 

 

His breathing turned into huffs, as if he were getting ready to breathe fire any second.

 

Why? What the fuck? How could Hansen get this and still be able to write something like the letter Connor snatched? How could he get this and still be on the same level as Connor?

 

It’s not fair.

 

It’s not fair.

 

His arm started itching. His fists clenched over. He started to jerk his limbs at an attempt at a violent outburst. He need to scream. Or scream at someone. But there was no one there. No one to scream at. No one to hurt.

 

Connor’s breathing subdued. He was reminded of why he had run away. He closed his eyes. He body remained twitching uncomfortably, not used to holding out past his breaking point.

 

He scanned the room. He needed something. Something to get his mind off whatever the fuck he was feeling.

 

His eyes landed on his open bag. Inside it, a notebook was visible. Connor nodded to himself and went to retrieve the item. He furiously snatched a pen off Hansen’s desk, ripped open the book and started scribbling.

 

At first Connor forced the pen across the page. Jerking it in all directions, forming endless scribbles, ink building up till it was dark as his mood. He filled up a few pages of the notebook with chaotic scribble tornados until his rage had run out. 

 

He flicked over the page and stared at the blank canvas. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in before starting on the next drawing. This time it was different. He let the pen guide his hand. Soft delicate lines followed the rhythm he held in his head. 

 

He turned the page over again. Compromising control with the pen and letting it guide him as much as he guided it. His head getting clearer with every sketch, he moved on to drawing the things around him. 

 

Connor focused on a poster of a pine tree and replicated the sturdy dominion of the plant as best as he could. When he finished sketching the posters he moved onto photos in frames of Evan and his mum, attempting to capture the emotion on Hansen’s face. 

 

After a few hours of drawing Connor felt clear. Even in his sketches, he could see the familiar pain lurking behind Hansen’s eyes, but now Connor knew. 

 

Just because they were both broken, didn't mean that they were the same.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go! Another chapter down!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think.
> 
> Also thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments. They really motivate me to write more :)
> 
> Talk next time xxx (hopefully not too long)
> 
> tumblr:  
> @i-really-like-trees-and-cats  
> @serendipty-of-clementine


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly, Evan was reminded of the Connor who had burnt himself out the first night he was there. The Connor who had sat on his floor feeling unworthy of the slightest compassion. Evan heard it when Connor spoke, saw it behind Connor’s eyes.
> 
>  
> 
> Connor had run out of hope.
> 
>    
> But today wasn't a day where Evan would let that happen.
> 
>  
> 
> \-----
> 
> Connor confronts Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She's alive! And with a new chapter of fic!
> 
> Hopefully you all like this chapter, it's been a crazy few weeks of assessments at school and such but the first wave is mostly over so I'll probably be able to make another chapter sooner (i might make myself a deadline and add it in later when i've decided)
> 
> This chapter has Connor confronting Evan about his Medication and I want to reinforce that a) I do not have medication so I am sorry if this is an inaccurate representation, it was mostly my self projection about other things. and b) medication isn't in anyway a shameful thing to have. Evan is just voicing anxieties surrounding it which aren't necessarily true.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it and I'm always here to talk on tumblr @i-really-like-trees-and-cats.
> 
> Soon enough you'll find it gets better.

Evan was walking home from school, opting for exercise sweaty over anxiety sweaty. Although, either way he was still stuck with his thoughts. The tantalizing possibilities that his mind was readily buying into.

 

_So, what? He just let Connor stay at his home? alone? I mean he was basically a stranger right? what if he was just using Evan to rob his house and then run off to Seattle or something? What if it was all just an elaborate prank that everyone was in on and everyone were just pretending to be his friend but really he’s alone?_

 

Evan squinted his eyes shut and forced the questions of head. 

 

_No this was fine._

 

_He just need to._

 

_It was Connor._

 

_Connor is good. He made him smile. God. He liked Connor’s smile. And his eyes they-_

 

_Yeah. He could. He could trust him._

 

Evan arrived at his front door, wiped his palms on his pants and unlocked the door. He was met with a hallway that one could expect to hear cricket chirps in. There was barely any evidence that Connor was somewhere in the house. 

 

Evan walked further to his bedroom down the hall and hesitated at the door. From behind the door, soft scratches of lead on paper were willing their way over to Evan in a hypnotic rhythm.

He tried as best as he could to makes as much noise as possible before entering the room. 

 

When he was once again in the reassuring confines of his bedroom, Connor seemed to only just have returned to his seat, pencils wobbling on the table as ghosts of a rushed movement.

 

“Uh, did I interrupt…” A sour look was shot at Evan, cutting him short, but it didn't seem like Connor was about to resume whatever he was doing before he came in so Evan went out on a limb and continued, “So… uh. Hi? H-how was your day?”

 

The brunt of Connor’s attitude was projected toward Evan, corpse-like eyes fixated upon the small boy and a hint of snarl lingered upon Connor’s lips. 

 

“I saw it” He looked away from Evan, starring daggers at something across the room. 

 

Evan followed Connor’s gaze over to his bedside table and- oh. The flowing nature of the wooden box was harshly interrupted by the white lids of his medication. 

 

Right now Evan wasn't sure what he preferred; being the subject of an elaborate ruse or being confronted by Connor Murphy about his meds. 

 

He probably thought he was a freak. He was so pathetic that he needed meds. Conor’s way better than him. His probably disgusted by the sight of him. Yeah. He’ll leave now. This was too weird for Connor to hide out with him anymore. He’ll hate him. Just- oh no. 

 

What if he thought he was just getting high off them? You can’t even do that but- I mean he used to do that sort of stuff when he was ‘alive’. Does he- does Connor think that he’s up for smoking drugs? What if he forces him to do it and then he freaks out. He’ll look even more of a wimp than what he does now. He-

 

His inner ramblings we cut short due to the lanky boy walking to stand in front of Evan. Evan felt so small, his insignificance in life all mounded up to a single desire for the world to swallow him whole. 

 

“Why?” Connor demanded. His hands curled tightly, just as they had done the night he arrived. 

 

“I- uh- I just. My- my anxiety, and-“ It was getting harder to talk as his breath took over the movement of his body, heaving up and down- “you- you know?”

 

“No. No. No. NO. NO I DONT. WHY? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LIKE _THAT_ WHEN YOU GET ALL OF _THIS_? YOU’RE SO LUCKY AND FREE THAT YOU’RE ALLOWED THESE. AND YOU STILL GET TO ACT LIKE A FUCKING BOMB  THAT’LL EXPLODE AND ANY SECOND ? YOU GOT THESE BUT YOU STILL WROTE THAT GODDAMN LETTER? IT’S- it’s just bullshit.”

 

Evan’s whole body was trembling. The words had pierced him, attacked him on all sides. He drew a shaky breath in to try to justify his pain, but was cut off before he could say anything. 

 

“No! It supposed to be fucking easier for you-” He walked over to his bag and plucked out the letter with quaking hands- “Doesn’t it get easier? How do you even deal with all of this?” Connor let out a breath of disgusted laughter, “Who am I kidding? I’ll always be a goddamn monster.”

 

He scrunched up the letter and slid down the wall until he was carelessly folded on the floor.

 

Suddenly, Evan was reminded of the Connor who had burnt himself out the first night he was there. The Connor who had sat on his floor feeling unworthy of the slightest compassion. Evan heard it when Connor spoke, saw it behind Connor’s eyes. 

 

Connor had run out of hope. 

 

But today wasn't a day where Evan would let that happen. 

 

He walked over to Connor and held his hands firmly.

 

“Hey” Evan commanded Connor’s attention as best he could whilst maintaining a soft voice. “I-I know it doesn’t always look like it’ll get better. Everyone says that it will, but you can’t help feeling like you’ll just- just be left behind. Most of the time the idea of progress is just so damn _exhausting_ it just makes me want to cry thinking about it. E-even if you- if I feel this way, there’s things that can help. Small things.

 

“You just- you need to know that you don't have to hurl yourself into the land of recovery. There are things you c-can do to help. I mean, these meds, they don't always work. But it’s ok because” Evan was starting to lose faith in his words. He decided to cut himself off before he could drag Connor even further down with him. 

 

Evan stood up, making Connor’s lanky arms follow the movement. The folded boy looked up and him with such innocent eyes. Evan smiled at him and motioned with his head to follow him. 

 

The two exchanged nervous eye contact as they shuffled down the hallway, hand in hand, still recuperating from the sharp words. 

 

Once they arrived at the end of the hallway, Evan dug around in the front pocket of his backpack and retrieved some earplugs. He led Connor out into the front porch and sat on the front steps as he had done so many times before. 

 

Connor mimicked his actions and faced Evan, ready for an explanation. 

 

“When I feel like… like I need to write another one of- of _those_ letters, I go out here… look at the way the trees move… turn on a particular song… and let the pain drain out of me.” Evan breathily murmured the words as if he had just completed a marathon. 

 

With a quick wipe over to make sure that there was absolutely no earwax in the buds, he plugged them into his phone and handed one side to Connor. 

 

A chilly autumn breeze swept over them, just as the melodies played. The music compelled them to take a deep breath with it. A voice sung out that sounded like the feeling of marmalade jam on toast. 

 

_Take a moment to think of just_

_Flexibility love and trust_

_Take a moment to think of just_

_Flexibility love and trust_

 

_Here comes a thought that might alarm you_

_What someone said and how it harmed you_

_Something you did that failed to be charming_

_Things that you said are suddenly swarming_

 

Connor drew in a shaky breath, shuffling a little closer to Evan in order to outstretch his body to cover the entire length of the porch steps. With his elbows propping himself up, he lulled his head backwards and closed his eyes. 

 

_And, oh, you're losing sight, you're losing touch_

_All these little things seem to matter so much_

_That they confuse you_

_That I might lose you_

 

 

_Take a moment, remind yourself_

_To take a moment and find yourself_

_Take a moment and ask yourself_

_If this is how we fall apart_

 

Evan allowed himself to lay out along the steps as well. As a result of the narrow walkway, Evan landed himself in a position in which his forearm and shoulder were brushing Connor’s. To his surprise, Connor didn't move away. Evan settled in and resigned himself to observing the dominant trees, swaying delicately in the wind.

 

_But it's not, but it's not, but it's not, but it's not, but it's not_

_It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay_

_You've got nothing, got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear_

_I'm here, I'm here, I'm here_

 

The two sat there, swaying as the melodies danced in the wind, grounded and together. 

 

Eventually the crisp breeze turned into biting one, and Evan and Connor were forced to retreat to the safety of his room once more. It was hard to tell for sure, but Evan was convinced that something lingered behind Connor’s eye that wasn't there before. He wished more than anything that it was a new flicker of hope. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we have it!
> 
> This chapter was about having healthy coping mechanisms and I encourage you guys to find something that suits you because it really pays off :) 
> 
> Also the song featured in the chapter is called 'Here Comes a Thought' from the Steven Universe Soundtrack if anyone wants to check it out. Its great for listening on repeat.
> 
> Thank you for leaving comments! they make my day and motivate me so much.
> 
> See you next time xxx
> 
> tumblr:  
> @i-really-like-trees-and-cats  
> @serendipty-of-clementine


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The iconic apple orchard chapter™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while but at least this chapter is a long boi. 
> 
> The fluff has arrived and i hope you squee just as much as i did when writing it. 
> 
> warning: a very very vague mention of how evan broke his arm 
> 
> my school holidays start tomorrow so i'll be able to churn out the good stuff faster :)  
> i hope you like it. 
> 
> Things get better. There will always be moments where life doesn't suck as much xxxx

Over the next few weeks Evan and Connor made a habit of sitting out in Evan’s back yard listening to their song (eventually they realized it probably wasn't a good idea for a person supposedly dead to be lounging about in plain sight). 

 

The two adjusted to being in the other’s presence. Connor started to notice little things about Hansen, like the way he muttered allowed in the morning, checking off all that he had done to get ready. He started to learn the meaning behind his different forms of laughter. Steadily, they were growing to become a team, no matter how much Connor was reluctant to admit it to himself. 

 

A routine emerged and the secret of Connor’s existence was mastered. All except for the fact that he was now completely bored out of his mind, being cooped up in a stupid house all day.

 

Laying along the couch, Connor lifted his torso up to look at the other side of the room. Evan, eyebrows furrowed, was scratching away at some boring old homework. The lanky boy let his body fall back on the couch dramatically, his limbs dangling off all sides. 

 

When he noticed his exaggerated movements weren't enough to earn the attention of Hansen, Connor became determined to get Evan to pay attention to him, not some trash that the school was feeding him. 

 

With the biggest breath he could muster, Connor sighed a sigh of complete and utter boredom. 

 

After a few seconds of waiting, he looked up at the freckled boy. Nothing. 

 

With a little huff, he strode across the room and plonked himself down right in front of Hansen. 

 

“Hey. Hansen. What’re you doing?” 

 

“Oh- uh. Homework.” Evan replied, barely lifting his head. 

 

He shuffled beside him and splayed himself along the couch like some distressed person in the 1940s. It worked in getting Evan’s attention, however, not in the way Connor had originally planned. 

 

Connor was now wedged between Hansen’s back and the couch. 

 

“What do you- what are are you e-even doing?”

 

“I’m booooorrrrrrreeeeeeddddd” 

 

“Feel free to help me with this homework anytime you like” He said with a breathy chuckle. 

 

“Nooo. Lets… lets go somewhere!”

 

“You and I both know that if you go anywhere public, you r-risk being found out.”

 

Connor huffed, remaining hugged against Hansen’s back. He probably could get himself out, if he really wanted to. He assessed the room from his awkwardly cozy position. On the coffee table, Connor spotted a bowl of apples. 

 

Apples. Apple, apple, apple, apple, apple…

 

Just as the word started to sound peculiar in his head, Connor remembered the orchard. It was the perfect place to go.

 

“Hansen!-” His words slightly alarming the soft boy in front of him-“We’re going to the Apple Orchard. It’s abandoned so no one will see us or whatever.”

 

“Oh, um, i-if you’re sure?”

 

“Yes! Now get up before I die of old age!”

 

The two got to work packing a bag of picnic stuff, and made their way to their destination as inconspicuously as possible. 

 

———

 

Once over the fence, Connor guided a visibly nervous Hansen down a path well trodden. He allowed an unfamiliar smile to spread across his face, noticing the wonder that lingered behind Evan’s eyes as they flickered from tree to tree. What a nerd.

 

“So Hansen.” Connor started, making Evan flinch at the sudden noise. “Trees?”

 

“Oh- uh- y-yeah. I -uhm- like them.” His head ducked as a rosy color highlighted his cheeks. 

 

Connor, acting upon some random whim, was determined to get to the bottom of this. 

 

“Shit dude, come on!” Connor projected toward Hansen, trying his best to impersonate people joking with each other from school. 

 

Evan didn't seem to receive the humor in his tone as he flinched once more and widened the distance between the two.

 

“No. I- Its just what with all the tree posters, and the pot plants, and shit. And that fucking look you get when you're around them. I mean-“ Connor let a foreign grin crease his face once more, somewhat surprised by how comfortable he was with letting Hansen see it- “Clearly they mean a shit tonne to you or whatever…”

 

Evan cautiously looked up at Connor and for some reason unknown to Connor, he started to smile back, slowly picking up momentum to nod his head. 

 

“I-I do kind of l-love them. They’re just- just amazing, and interesting, and harmonious, and fragile, and strong, and- and they’re always there, and they have such amazing defense systems and -ohmygosh- did you know they trees actually talk to each other? and the roots! the most highly underrated part of the tree! They’re so amazing. And- and did you know that trees can learn? But we don't know if they have a brain but they must if they can-“

 

With a short sharp breath Hansen cut himself off, probably realizing the length of his rant. Though, Connor didn't want it to stop. He liked seeing Evan outside of his world schoolwork and anxiety.

 

Connor chanced an encouraging nudge against Hansen’s shoulder, unsure if the touch would be welcome outside of the walls weaved by their song every other afternoon. 

 

“N-no. I- I’ve. It’s ok-“ Evan stilled seemed to be catching his breath- “W-what about you? Surely there’s something that makes you ramble like an i-idiot?”

 

Connor opened his mouth to answer but found there were no words to fill the air. He slowly shut it realizing he really didn't have anything. Nothing left to enthuse about. Nothing left to fill up his time with meaningful things.

 

He’d given up pretty much every activity he did as a kid. He hardly even had the motivation to get out of bed let alone find passion. In that moment the emptiness overcame him. He felt it everywhere and nowhere at the same time. He really did have nothing.

 

Hansen matched Connor’s slowing pace and furrowed his eyebrows. He was probably disappointed in him like everyone else was. 

 

As Evan poised his mouth to speak, Connor prepared for the onslaught of insults.

 

“It-it’s ok. We can find something-” Evan flashed a smile at Connor and very, very gently pushed the side of Connor’s arm to the point where he was almost stroking it- “Where’s you're normal spot?”

 

Connor led them into a vibrant green field, nature reclaiming any trace of civilization left from when the orchard was open. The towering trees framed the scene in a gentle air of protection from the outside world. Above them the sky seemed to stretch on forever and allowed the sun toembrace them. 

 

They soon picked a spot in leaf-dappled shade, and unpacked the snacks they had brought with them. For a while they just sat their, chatting about everything and nothing at the same time. Letting the melody of their individual rhythms line up to create a beautiful harmony. 

 

Connor marveled in the sound of Evan’s voice and even more in all that he was saying. He considered how he was just over a month ago. Feeling safe to talk without thinking he blurted out, “You know. All of this. Ending up with- staying with you. There’s no where else I’d rather be in this trashcan’s armpit of a world.”

 

“Me too.” Evan smiled back, making Connor stomach flip for a perfectly platonic reason.

 

The sun began to set. Painting the sky in soft pinks and delicate oranges. Connor looked over at Evan, who was bathed in a glowing light, dancing along with the colors on the horizon. His eyes looked gentle against his sturdy silhouette. Connor’s focus shifted down to Evan’s lips.

 

Snapping head head back to the horizon he put an end to whatever kind of mushy gazing that was going on. Right now he doesn't need to think about how beautiful Evan looks… or how- fuck. No. 

 

Connor looked over at Evan again, this time Evan was already looking at him. He turned from Evan’s eyes as quickly as he met them. He felt his cheeks slightly flush. 

 

“A-are you ok?” Evan stammered out.

 

Connor was determined to look anywhere except Evan. “Oh, uh, yeah I just, um.” 

 

His gangly limbs acted on their own accord and soon enough Connor found himself sprinting across to the other side of the field, running away from his problems. Literally. 

 

Evan stood up from where they were sitting and yelled out to him, “WHAT- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

 

Ah, shit. How on earth was he going to explain this? He couldn't say that he just felt like a run because, well, that would never happen. 

 

In some lame attempt at giving his freak out a purpose he yelled back, “FOLLOW ME!”

 

He saw Evan running after him and tried to regain control over his body. Eventually, he stopped at the base of a tree and improvised. He pointed his arm up the tree and started moving in that direction.

 

When Hansen arrived at the base of the tree he tried his best to pass off running 200 meters only to climb a tree as a completely regular thing to do, “I wanted to climb this… exact tree. Come up.”

 

From his view from a high up branch Connor saw Evan stop at the base of the tree as if it had some kind of barrier. He just stopped. He stayed there, looking at the base of the tree.

 

“Are you gonna come up or are you too busy nerd-ing out over the roots?”

 

Hansen’s head raised to look at the trunk, Connor could tell that Evan wasn't entirely present. “I… I-I’m not gonna… come… up-“ He took a few paces back and seemed to snap out of any thought he was having- “I just- last time I climbed a tree I got this cast. I-I’m just. I’ll just stay down here.”

 

Connor squinted his eyes at Hansen and climbed down to where he stood. There was definitely some teen angst bullshit lying underneath that excuse.

 

He glanced down at Evan’s fingers, which started to violently fiddle and clutch the hem of his shirt. Connor had lived with Hansen long enough to tell that he was most definitely not ok. He led them to an uncovered spot in the field and lay on his back, motioning for Evan to join him. 

 

The two settled in and Connor made sure to touch his arm against Evan’s, letting him know that he was there. Fuck. Was he really getting this sappy? There’s no stopping it now I guess, geez.

 

Connor let out breath of frustrated acceptance and allowed himself to come back to the moment. The two of them lay there in a quiet understanding, watching the clouds go by. It felt good. Conversing with Hansen without having to speak.

 

Connor often wondered about the term ‘deafening silence’ usually it meant that there was just so much silence it was unbearable, but with Evan everything changed. The silence dominated, but under it all there was a fury of chatter, and questions, and answers, and comments, and connection. 

 

This time, he wasn't alone. This time he wasn't escaping something he knew he had to go back to. This time he had Evan. 

 

Daring to break the moment, Connor let out a sigh in preparation. “I wish life was just _this_ …. the _good_ parts, you know?”

 

Evan propped himself up on his elbow to face him. “a-and laying on the ground with me is a g-good part?” 

 

Connor mirrored Hansen’s actions. He was now close enough could now Evan’s his warm breath on his face. He smiled. Really meant it. “Definitely.”

 

They lay back down, this time a little closer for warmth. The starts had started to come out of hiding. 

 

“We could just stay here, you know? Just the two of us? Nothing that came before. Nothing else will ever come to hurt us. Maybe life can be like this for forever.” The words coming out a bit gayer than Connor had originally intended. 

 

Evan hummed back at him and Connor tried to conceal the way his stomach jolted and his face flushed red. 

 

Contrary to Connors desires, the two needed to be back home before Heidi was, and reluctantly headed back. It was a close call, the two returning just as Heidi was rounding the corner of their street. 

 

Connor ran to hide in Hansen’s closet, fully prepared to make a joke when coming out of it, and waiting until she left for work. 

 

From the hallway Connor could hear the raspy, melodic voice of Heidi Hansen, seemingly rushing about based on the sound of her footsteps. “There’s money for pizza on the fridge, ok? I’ll be home at 2. If you need anything I’m just a call away. Love you.”

 

Connor could hear the strained optimism that Evan had possessed the first night, and, while he had never actually met Heidi, he was pretty sure she was the literal best woman on earth.

 

The two boys settled into bed, grasping onto the last memories of a perfect day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you liked it :)
> 
> (in my plot summary i had that last moment as 'oh no its heidi! time to heidi.' i think im so funny why)
> 
> I hope you find some peace soon. Until next time. 
> 
> I'm always here to listen/talk on tumblr @i-really-like-trees-and-cats.


	7. chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Evan? Ev? Are you ok? How can I help?” Connor’s voice cut through the white noise of insults, like a hug on a frosty morning. “Uh- just breathe ok? In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Can you do that for me Ev?”
> 
> or
> 
> evan has a bad day and connor comforts him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> funny how motivation can just completely desert you for weeks on end...
> 
> i hope you enjoy this chapter - quick warning that at the beginning Evan has an anxiety attack.
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @i_really_like_trees_and_cats if you want to rant chat or whatever the heck :)
> 
> the bad stuff will always make way for the good xxx

The day had been bad day for Evan. His thoughts were constantly spiraling, his teacher had just set a group assignment, and his motivations levels at an all time low. All of this trumped by an overwhelming desire to just be at home. 

 

Deciding to skip the regular struggle of riding the bus, Evan tried desperately to regulate his breathing as he walked along the pavement. But he was being too obvious wasn't he? He looked like a freak. He looked weak. He would be the perfect target for a kidnapping. Or even worse, someone would try to help him and he wouldn't be able to reply and then he would have a breakdown in front of them and then that person who probably didn't even know him would already hate his guts and he would drive them away just like he did with everyone.

 

Evan caught his breath running wild again and did his best to slow it down. Only two more blocks. All he had to do was get home, then he could break down. He just had to hold on.

 

The tight air in his chest had transformed into an anchor in his stomach, making every step harder and harder. Tears prickled at his eyes as he started to sprint the rest of the way. 

 

With shaking hands, Evan fumbled to unlock the door and slammed it behind him. He made it to the doorway of his bedroom before his knees gave out. It took over him all at once. 

 

Expectations, and limitations, and struggles, and failures. They infected him and poisoned his breathing. His body was simultaneously rigid and quaking. 

 

Mounting thoughts grew until they took over his entire world. His vision turned into a dark, blurry mess and his heart pounded in his ears. He let it feel so big, allowing himself to feel hopeless and lost in the vastness of his panic. 

 

A hand on his shoulder brought the world back, anchored by the physical contact. He forced his head to look up at the person acting as his lifeline, vaguely remembering his mother’s comment about having a long shift that day. Maybe she got off early?

 

Instead of finding family attached to the safe touch, Evan was able to just make out the slender form of Connor through his tearful eyes. A small moment of disappointment washed over Evan, missing his mother in his life. 

 

He quickly scorned himself for his selfishness and spiraled into another chain of self destructive thoughts. 

 

He was a mess. He was a burden. He shouldn't rely on his mother so much. She shouldn't even have look after him. Why couldn't he get a job like a regular teenager? Why was he such a goddamn freak?

 

“Hey Evan? Ev? Are you ok? How can I help?” Connor’s voice cut through the white noise of insults, like a hug on a frosty morning. “Uh- just breathe ok? In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Can you do that for me Ev?”

 

Evan tried his best to nod his head, whist noticing the way Connor had called him Ev. He didn't entirely hate it. As Connor guided his breaths, his hands sliding up and down his forearms with each inhale and exhale, Evan tried his best to follow.

 

Eventually the two achieved stillness, the dust settling after a storm. Connor lowered himself to make eye contact with Evan. 

 

“Hey?” His voice a gentle whisper, “You ok?”

 

Evan replied with a few short nods and made a futile attempt to stand up, his legs still weak. Connor slung his arm around the shorter boy’s waist and helped him venture onto his bed. 

 

“How about we settle down with a movie, huh? I can make some tea while you pick something out?”

 

Evan nodded once more. Connor turned to leave, but before he could, Evan caught him by the wrist. He met Connor’s confused expressing with a wry smile. 

 

In a small, raspy voice Evan let out the words “Thank you.”

 

———

 

By the time Connor had returned with two mugs of tea, Evan had selected an episode of Bob Ross and was waiting with his mouse hovering over the play button. 

 

The lanky boy folded himself up beside Evan and leant his head upon the latter’s shoulder, an action that under usual circumstances would have made Evan freeze up. However, this time the action strangely felt like home.

 

The soft words travelled from the screen:

 

“You gotta have opposing dark and light, light and dark in painting. It’s like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in a while so you know when the good times come.”

 

They two settled in, growing calmer by the second. Connor’s familiar warmth and scent, along the kind hearted man on the screen spreading his love, made Evan feel as if he had finally reached a good time. 

 

A moment in time where the world was still and open and free and let him do as he wished. A time where he could just _be._ A time to finally exhale, escape from the taunting voices and ravaging thoughts. A moment where he can realize just how much Connor has been there to comfort him and guide him. 

 

He just wished there weren't so many bad times in the way of more of this. 

 

A small smile rose upon Evan’s face and looked down and the curled up boy. When this whole thing started out he didn't think he could have ever imagine being this fond of Connor Murphy. 

 

 

They sat there peacefully and watched through another episode. Just as things were “gonna get crazy” with another tree friend, Connor drew in a quick gasp and did his best to untangle himself from his position and rushed around the room.

 

By the time the frazzled boy was back to his spot he had acquired a notebook and a pen. He eagerly flipped it open and brushed his hair aside from his face. This time, however, Connor distanced himself and was facing Evan so that whatever he was drawing was hidden. 

 

Somewhat disappointed in the change of positions, Evan resumed the episode and focused on the precise movements of Connor’s hand across the page. 

 

Every now and then Evan chanced a look of at the other boy. A smile danced playfully along Connor’s lips, his eyes lifting at the sides. His critical look holding a new emotion that Evan almost didn't recognize on Connor.

 

Lurking behind his eyes, a sense of heart shone through. As if Evan could feel the passion and joy that Connor was drawing with for himself. 

 

“S-sorry for, uh, you know…” Evan’s weary voice called out, making Connor look up from his work. His eyes were still full of a fond content as they met Evan’s, clearly still wrapped up in his work in progress.

 

The smirk on Connor’s face grew into a gentle smile as he reached out his lanky arms in search of the other’s hands. Evan tried his best not to think about the way his hands were probably sweaty but, as per usual, failed. 

 

“Hey, don't be sorry for that. I know how it feels. You don't need to worry about me judging you or anything. Hell, you're the one who should be judging me.”

 

Evan scrunched his face in disbelief but allowed the moment to pass. “So you like to do art? I like art. Not all art but, uh, definitely the art that you- you do…” Evan squints his eyes shut in disbelief of how awkward he managed to make the situation in less than ten seconds.

 

Instead of matching his lame comment, Connor smiled wider and enthusiastically nodded his head. 

 

“Well, yeah, actually. I love to sketch. It just kind of lets me… I don't know… untangle my mind, ya know?”

 

“Hm. Wait a second. We-we need to get you some proper supplies! We can’t have you drawing masterpieces with crappy exam pencils.” Evan enthused, grateful for a new spark of conversation. 

 

Connor shook his hands furiously, “Oh no, no, no, no, no! I definitely do NOT draw anywhere _near_ masterpieces.”

 

“I doubt that. Come on! Can- can I see?” Evan said, feigning innocence. 

 

“No way!” 

 

Possessed by some childish impulse to satisfy his own interests by any means necessary, Evan swiped his hand and attempted to snatch the notebook from Connor’s grip. Before he could however, Connor flung his arm up high, out of the shorter boy’s reach.

 

Hardly deterred, Evan lunged himself forward in another attempt to claim the book. Connor kept his defenses strong, yanking the notebook further out of Evan’s reach, hence clumsily falling backwards on the bed.

 

Evan’s movements now foiled, the momentum of his leap sent him falling right over the top of his lanky friend. 

 

A little breathless, Evan propped himself up with his hands either side of Connors head, barely controlling his laughter. Connor joined in, and before they knew it, the two were cackling to the point of tears.

 

Connor settled himself down and Evan followed suit, the memory of joy still present on their faces. Their breathing grew slow, their chests rising and falling at the same time. From this vantage point, Evan was able to look directly into the wild eyes of Connor Murphy. 

 

A whole world lay behind them, so many emotions swimming in the blues of his eyes. His defined face was softened with something he couldn't identify, and a light dust of pink had spread over his cheeks. 

 

Evan let out a breath, “You’re amazing.”

 

Their eyes searched each other’s looking for any kind of map with the right directions. 

 

Connor drew in a breath in preparation to—

 

 

 

“HOLY SHIT!”

 

 

An annoyingly familiar voice bellowed out from the doorway.

 

 

“HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp
> 
> hopefully the next update is sooner rather than later and i look forward t seeing where this goes.
> 
> thank you so so so much to all that comment you make my day and give me so much motivation its astounding
> 
> till next time x


	8. chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all aboard train to angst city
> 
> or 
> 
> jared's big entrance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes
> 
> here it is. it was a lot harder to write than I had expected but i hope i did a good job of it. 
> 
> Beware; there is a large amount of yelling in this chapter so be careful.
> 
> thank you to each and every comment they make my day and make writing so much easier. 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @i-really-like-trees-and-cats  
> the smallest step to recovery is one that is worthwhile xxx

“HOLY SHIT!”

 

The voice bellowing out from the doorway lit a spark of fury within Connor. 

 

“HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.”

 

It was Jared Kleinman, idiotic t-shirt and all.

 

Evan leapt off him and to the other side of the bed, fear taking over his body.

 

“Oh my god.” Jared said, chuckle in his voice, “Look- Evan, I knew you were desperate, dude, but I think summoning the ghost of Connor Murphy to live out your weird gay fantasies is going a bit far, don't you?”

 

“J-jared please” Ev’s voice was barely audible. 

 

“No! What the fuck, Evan?” His words sliced through the air, “What the fuck. Did it never occur to you to tell me about this? You didn't think for _one second_ to mention that past month has been a lie? That you’ve been hiding the Murphy freak in your bedroom? Since when were you two so fucking cozy?”

 

Jared’s insults kept coming, Connor watched with growing agitation as Evan retreated further into himself with every biting word. 

 

“You’re such a shitty friend. No- you’re not even my friend. I remember now why there’s a reason I only talk to you for car insurance. You know-“

 

Connor cut between the two, towering over Kleinman and causing him to stumble a few steps backward. Jared was quick to regain his composure and decided to redirect his anger toward Connor. 

 

“What the fuck do you want, Murphy? Why the hell are you two doing this? You know I thought Evan-“

 

Connor shot Kleinman a silencing glare that, if it were communicating his exact feelings at that moment, looked as if he were ready to kill.

 

“Leave. Evan. The fuck. Alone.” His voice was wavering with the venomous anger he was trying to contain, “This isn’t his fault, ok? He’s just.. being nicer to me than anyone else ever has. If you so much as say one more word insulting him for being _unbelievably_ caring then I-”

 

Connor was interrupted Evan’s hand clutching his arm. He met the other’s eyes and found they were full of tears. Ev shook head slightly, pleading for him to stop. 

 

 

It was as if the wind had been knocked out of Connor. 

He’d done it again. He could feel his hand uncurling from an unconscious fist. He found Evan’s hand and focused on calming himself down. Hansen returned the action with a reassuring squeeze. 

 

To the side, Kleinman looked between the two, betrayal lingered in his eyes before it was washed away with determination. 

 

“So- so what? He’s just here now? A freak you’ve known for a single month is better than m-“ He let out a breath of laughter, hurt betraying his bravado, “This really is hilarious. I think _everyone_ would find this hilarious.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Evans voice wavered uncontrollably. Connor focused on how their hands were intwined, forcing himself not to attack Kleinman on the spot. 

 

“It means you should remember who your real friends are!” Jared all but yelled. “You know what. Screw this. I dropped off my mum’s lasagne like she asked. It’s on the kitchen bench. Feel free to have some secret gay romantic dinner with it. I’m out.”

 

He turned and fled, as if the room were on fire.

 

Just as he reached the doorway Evan’s voice regained it’s power. “Wait! Uh- you won’t… you won’t tell anyone will you?”

 

Kleinman turned back around, a devilish attitude painting his face. 

 

“You know what Evan? I think my silence is worth a thing or two, don't you?” 

 

“You- you want me to pay you?”

 

Jared responded with a cruel nod, lost in his attempt at gaining an upper hand. 

 

“How much?”

 

Connor couldn’t let this happen. He needed to stop it. He needed to stop it. He needed to fix it. 

 

“No Ev! You can’t just do that! This is _my_ fucking fault, you shouldn't have to pay this ass hat because of me!”

 

“W-well what else am I supposed to do? I can’t let him ruin what we- you have!” 

 

_We._

 

It seemed like weeks ago since the two had been caught tangled. Lost words still lingered heavy in the air. He was going to ruin what they had. What was he talking about? He had ruined it from the beginning. If it even was a thing. 

 

He came here and knew what he was going to put Evan through. He knew how much we was going to fuck this guy’s life up as soon as he fell through that window. 

 

Why was he so surprised that he had managed to do it? 

 

He couldn't let Evan sacrifice anything else for is sorry excuse of an existence. 

 

A snap decision caused him to storm across the room. He shoved his hand to the bottom of his bag and forced out $200 in cash. 

 

In a few forceful movements he was practically pushing Jared over, the money pressed against his chest. 

 

“Take that. Don't say a thing. Go.”

 

Connor pulled himself away and immediately felt weak. He retreated a few steps back, refusing to meet the eye of anyone in the room. 

 

Jared looked at the pair and let out a disbelieving breath of hurt. His eyes we glazed over, his lip twitching, willing him to let his tears fall. 

 

Without warning he sprinted out of the room, clutching the money as if it were burning through his hand. 

 

Jared’s voice finally broke as he ran down the hallway. “FUCK YOU, EVAN! ASSHOLE!”

 

Connor turned his eye from the door and chanced a look in Evan’s direction. Hansen looked as if he had just been punched. 

 

It was all his fault. 

 

He started to pace, fists curling and uncurling, as an anger brewed inside of him. He needed to fix this. He needed to stop Evan from making _that_ face. He needed it to be ok. He needed it to be better. How does he fix Evan? How does he stop _that_ face?

 

He’s crying, and he’s broken, and he's hurt, and its all in that goddamn _face_.

 

He needed it to stop. He wanted it to stop. He needed to fix it. 

 

In a split second he had rounded on Evan. “STOP MAKING THAT FUCKING FACE!”

 

Evan drew in a sharp breath and started scrubbing at the tears on his face with shaking hands, willing them to go away. 

 

No. This isn't what he wanted. He just wanted Evan to feel better. Why couldn't he make Evan feel better? No. No. No. No. No.

 

His thoughts seeped into his words as he started to mutter the word. 

 

This was all his fault. He was the problem. He needed to-

 

“I’m leaving now.” 

 

He had made up his mind before he could think anything through. He set about gathering his few belongings from the room and packing them in his bag.

 

He found the notebook in which he had started another sketch of Evan. The memory was seared in his mind; Evan’s face hovering over his, wearing a smile that could make anyone feel wonderful. He remembered how he had wanted to-

 

No. This is exactly the kind of thing that would make it worse. He was a ticking time bomb made of disaster and disappointment. 

 

He closed the notebook and forced it down to the bottom of the bag. Evan was frozen on the bed, beside where Connor had knelt. He looked up into Hansen’s puffy eyes. 

 

Connor could see Evan’s ache. He could tell how much he was hurting. He needed to end it before he made it any worse. With a final savoring glance at Evan, he left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops my hand slipped


	9. chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A text from the insanely jerk faced Jared Kleinman lingered on the screen. 
> 
> Jared: hey we need to talk like right now
> 
> It was the kind of text that sent shivers down the spine of any anxious person. 
> 
> (feat. Jared redemption and a touch of flangst)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~yikes~
> 
> im so sorry that this chapter has taken so so so long!! I've had writers block and bad mental health weeks and mid year exams on top of that. but now exams are over and im feeling excited :)
> 
> im so incredibly thankful to all of you who have tolerated this hiatus and stuck with me. I hope this chapter is to your liking and i have much more free time now so I'm gonna be writing up a storm. (*says this while updating at one in the morning*)
> 
> the start of this chapter decribes depression/low moods so please be careful reading it. 
> 
> you are such a gift to this world xx

The slam of the front door echoed throughout the house and then,

 

Nothing. 

 

 

The only thing left to fill in the stinging silence were the pathetic attempts at breathing between sobs made by Evan.

 

He sat there. Eyes flowing like lonely rivers until there was nothing left. 

 

The shell of Evan fell back onto the bed. Eyes tracing over a random crack in the ceiling. The slightest memory joy nor the desire to seek it were anywhere to be found. 

 

There was nothing left inside of him yet somehow he was spilling over with sadness. 

 

The ceiling changed from white to yellow. From yellow to orange. From orange to a dull blue. Even the blue slipped away and he was left alone and in the dark.

 

He lay there for who knows how long until a dull pain sprang up in stomach. He picked at his nail, and rolled onto his side. 

 

At some point the heaviness of his being dragged him down into a restless sleep. 

 

 

—————

 

The next week passed in a blur. 

 

Lousy efforts to eat, vague traces of reassuring squeezes on the shoulder, a room covered in shadows, swarming thoughts burrowing into his mind. 

 

And always, always, always, never ending, never easing away-

 

The weight inside of him dragging him further and further down. 

 

He was alone and he was sinking into the dark. 

 

He rolled onto his back and looked at the same crack in his ceiling. Traced it with his eyes over and over. Mapping out every single detail as if he hadn't already done so. 

 

A burst of light filled the room for a few seconds before fading away. Evan peered his eyes over to the door expecting to find his mother slowly shutting it as if at any sudden noise or movement he might shatter into pieces. He probably would. 

 

When he found no movement at his door, he looked to the only other explanation for the light. He reached for his phone, however, the satisfaction of a getting a notification never came. A text from the insanely jerk faced Jared Kleinman lingered on the screen. 

 

Jared: hey we need to talk like right now

 

It was the kind of text that sent shivers down the spine of any anxious person. The screen illuminated the room once more.

 

Jared: look i know i was a jerk but this is important

 

Jared: like life or death

 

Jared: i know you’re reading these just please reply

 

Evan was ready to just ignore the whole situation when-

 

Jared: its about ur boyfriend ok

 

Jared: shit no. 

 

Jared: just please reply i found connor in some random park thing

 

At the sight of Connor’s name Evan didn’t hesitate to open his phone the rest of the way. 

 

Evan: whst the fukc jared

 

At this point he was either too tired or too annoyed to fix the typos from fumbling fingers. Probably both.

 

Jared: oh thank god

 

Jared: look i really need your help

 

Jared: can i take him to your house?

 

Evan: why thr hell would he want to come bakc here

 

Jared: he only wants your help ok?

 

Jared: please

 

Evan drew out a shaky breath and ran his hands over his face. If he let this happen it meant he was going to see Connor again. He was going to see Connor again. A wave of adrenaline shot through him as he replied.

 

Evan: ok

 

Exhaustion washed over him and he sank back into his bed. He was going to see Connor again. A smile almost reached his face until he remembered how he had left him. It wasn't even Connor’s choice to come back here. He clearly wanted nothing to do with him. 

 

He scared him away like he knew he would. Why the hell did he think he could even remotely help now if he couldn't even help then? And why the hell did Jared suddenly think he could be of any use now? He made it pretty clear that he thought the opposite last time he was over. 

 

Evan ran away with his thoughts until a knocking at the front door interrupted him. With a last ditch effort to control his breathing he when and answered the door. Behind it, Jared was shooting glares at a very uncomfortable Connor.

 

When Kleinman noticed Evan he let out a breathy laugh. 

 

“Oh man, you sure its not you who’s been living in a park for a week? You look fucking horrible.”

 

At those words Connor looked up at Evan, meeting his eyes with ones full of worry. No. No, that was stupid. There was no way Connor would even care to worry about Evan.

 

All hopeful energy deserted Evan as he turned away from the other two boys- “Just… just come inside,” his voice monotone and tired. 

 

Jared pushed past Evan, as Connor shuffled in behind him. The latter’s shoulders were stiff and hunched over, trying to make himself small as possible. 

 

Their bodies swayed in the silence, the past filling up the air and suffocating them all.

 

…

 

“Obviously you two fuckers won’t start talking so how about I just start off by saying that I was idiot-“ Jared pointed at Connor- “he was an idiot-“ He turned to face Evan- “and I’ll admit you weren't much of and idiot but you were an idiot all the same!”

 

Connor burst out in a sudden ferocious laughter and Evan’s body seemed to inflate at the sound. 

 

“Oh my god, Kleinman. That was the best fucking motivational speech of all kind. Ya know, usually, when I'm caught living in a fucking park its all ‘you can do better then this, we’re so disappointed in you son, rah, rah rah’. I like this version much better.”

 

Jared smirked and leant against the wall. “Glad you think so, pal, but I wasn't done- you stink so so bad. Go have a fucking shower.”

 

—————

 

Evan could hear the water running from the bathroom across the hall while he sat on his bed, Jared browsing at the posters on the opposite wall. After a few moments he turned to face Evan.

 

“So…” His voice suddenly lacking the sarcastic bite it usually had. “I’m… really sorry, ok? I just-“ He drew in a breath- “I thought you were replacing me. You’re like my only real friend, ok? I didn’t want to lose you to that fucker.”

 

“Y-your only friend? Jared you- you said you only hung out with me for car insurance?” Evan’s gut was swimming in betrayal. 

 

“I know. I’m just a big fucking idiot who tries to look cool when really he's no better than the tree obsessed nerd sitting in front of h- I’m- I’m really sorry.”

 

Evan shuffled on his bed, without a single clue of how to respond. 

 

“Can we just start over? Could you give me a second chance, one where I don’t act like a dickhead to you all the time?” Jared’s voice was more vulnerable than he had heard it in a long time. 

 

Evan sat in silence deciding Jared’s fate while he sat frozen in limbo. Every biting word, every deliberate jab at Evan’s happiness that Jared had made passed through his head. But- He’d given a second chance to Connor, right? Sure it didn’t turn out so well but- but he’d done the right thing.

 

Somehow despite being surrounded in a hateful cloud the past week, Evan was still able to admit he had done the right thing. And he could do it now too.

 

“…Ok-“ He held out his wavering hand for Jared to shake- “S-start over.”

 

Jared face lit up with a massive smile. “Thank you Evan, really.”

 

Evan couldn’t help but let the corner of his mouth quirk up for the first time in what seemed like forever. 

 

The white noise of the shower water had stopped and the two boys had their attention drawn back to Connor.

 

“So…” Jared said with his arrogant swagger turned back on. “You sure you two aren’t boyfriends? Last time I walked in on you two, you were looking pretty-“ He wiggled his eyebrows.

 

Evan instantly felt his face heat up with a red flush as he stammered out rushed denials of Jared’s claim. “No! No, we aren’t, no, not- he doesn’t even- I’m just helping out ok? I-” 

 

He broke off his far too defensive rambling as the door of the bathroom opened and a half naked Connor walked out. Evan’s mouth opened a little as he took in Connor’s bare torso. His skin looked so soft as water droplets from his hair dripped down-

 

He caught himself starring and snapped his eyes away before they floated back to look up at Connor’s face. He looked like he was blushing slightly, or it could have just been a result of the hot shower.

 

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “Hey, Ev, do you maybe have a hairdryer?” 

 

“Oh, uh, yeah, uh-“ Evan’s faces growing pinker by the second- “it’s uh, in the- the bottom drawer on the- the left.”

Evan’s breathing dared him to lose control. He tried his hardest to look anywhere but Connor, failing miserably. 

 

Connor gave him a polite nod before retreating back into bathroom. Evan let out a breath and ran his fingers through his hair. That was definitely not a sight he thought he would be seeing. 

 

Jared broke the silence from across the room, sniggering, “Sure, Jan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there we have it!
> 
> i hope you liked it :) any comments absolutely make my day and motivate me to write so much more
> 
> im so so sorry for the delay, thank you once more for sticking with me. 
> 
> that one extra gay scene was prompted by this post, check it out:  
> http://eneis.tumblr.com/post/167514597714/okarimitzu-shared-with-me-her-absolutely-adorable
> 
> find me on tumblr @i-really-like-trees-and-cats  
> (also happy pride month!!)


	10. chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “IT MEANS SLEEPOVER PARTY!” 
> 
> “Fucking gross.”
> 
> Evan placed a hand on Connor’s back and when Connor turned around he was met with pleading eyes. Connor sighed, “Yeah, ok, fine, kleinman, what did you have in mind?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this one is fluffy and meme-y enough to make up for all the angst  
> (because it is VERY fluffy and meme-y)
> 
> thank you for sticking with me i know how annoying my irregular updates are but i appreciate all your feedback and kudos :)
> 
> make sure leave room in your life for the things you love xxx

By the time Connor emerged from the bathroom, fully dressed in borrowed clothes (that smelt beautifully of Evan), Jared was out in the kitchen ordering a pizza. Connor slowly reentered the room he had fled, finding the space more comforting than he thought it would be.

 

Almost as if a switch had flipped in his head upon entering the room, Connor sat himself down in his regular spot on the bed next to Evan and let out a relaxed sigh. For a few seconds it was as if everything were back to normal before is illusions came crashing down under the stare of Evan Hansen.

 

“Uh… I’m really sorry, Evan. I didn’t mean to-“

 

“What the hell Connor?” His voice was as close to a yell as it could be without actually yelling. “Why would you just leave me like that? Sure, it was pretty da-damn clear you didn’t think it through, but why on earth would you just- just _leave me_? I-I really needed you and- and you disappeared!”

 

If the regret and shame hadn’t sunken in during the week he had spent freezing away in a park, it certainly did now. 

 

“It was all over your face.”

 

“What?”

 

“You just looked so fucking hurt? And I figured, well, none of this bad stuff was happening to you when I wasn’t here, so I thought I should just, leave you alone… Look I’m really sorry. I get it if you don’t wan’t me to stay here anymore. I really screwed your life up an-“

 

Connor was cut off by Evan leaping toward him to wrap him in a hug. 

 

They both desperately melted into it, Evan leaning in closer to whisper in Connors ear. “You’re such a bloody idiot if you think I wasn’t a miserable fuck before you showed up. I-If anything you’ve made me less of a-a, yeah. So, uh, of course you can stay here. Just- just don’t do that again? Please?”

 

Connor smiled into Evan’s shoulder, “Thank you, Ev. Thank you so much.”

 

He cringed as bedroom door slammed open. Of fucking course Kleinman just _had_ to come in at that point.

 

“Well I’m glad nothing changed between you two lovebirds,” Jared plopped himself down in Evan’s desk chair, “so! Pizzas coming, I’m staying over, I assume angsty lamppost over there is living here again, so you know what that means?”

 

Connor tried to reclaim Evan for the night. “Since when were you stayi-“

 

“IT MEANS SLEEPOVER PARTY!” 

 

“Fucking gross.”

 

Evan placed a hand on Connor’s back and when Connor turned around he was met with pleading eyes. Connor sighed, “Yeah, ok, fine, kleinman, what did you have in mind?”

 

————

 

The pizza arrived and the three of them were sat around it on the floor.

 

“Ok bozos, how about a game of truth or dare?” The look on Jared’s face meant there was no backing out.

 

Evan giggled when Connor fell backwards and groaned, making his heart flutter whilst it was simultaneously passing through the stages of grief. He ran his hands over his face. Fuck, ok, time to get it over with.

 

Jared, seeing this as a cue to target Connor, jeered, “Truth or dare?”

 

“Truth.”

 

“Hmmmm,” Kleinman feigned contemplation for much longer than was necessary, “Out of Evan and I, who would you slap and who would you kiss?”

 

Connor tried his best to keep his cool when the thought of kissing Evan sprouted up in his mind. He pushed aside his gay thoughts and put on the straightest face he could muster. “I’d slap you, Kleinman.”

 

“Psh, yeah the feelings mutual, Murphy.” 

 

Connor watched as a blush painted itself over Evan’s face, no doubt to match one of his own. “Ev, Truth or dare?” 

 

“But you didn’t say who you would kiss!” Kleinman erupted. 

 

Connor ignored the blabber and kept his eyes on Evan. “Ev. Truth or Dare.”

 

“Uhh, t-truth? I guess?” 

 

Connor thought for a second before asking, “Have you ever done anything illegal?”

 

Evan shifted in his spot to rub the back of his neck, “I, uh, I stole a bookmark once? If that counts?”

 

Shit. How could one person be so goddamn adorable. Connor contained his urge to wrap Evan up in a hug and replaced it with a small laugh. “Sure, Ev, your edginess is the stuff of legend.”

 

Connors stomach flipped when the red tinge of Hansen’s face darkened. Whipped.

 

Evan turned to face Kleinman. “Truth or dare?”

 

“Dare, obviously.” A smirk grew on Jared’s face as he watched Evan try to think up a good dare. 

 

“I dare you to make us dessert and clean up dinner.” Evan said, imitating the smug demeanor Kleinman adopted. He sat there dumbfounded until Evan continued, “Unless you’d rather a truth?” 

 

Evan turned a little further away from Connor and mimed eating something like an apple in Jared’s direction. 

 

Without hesitation Kleinman snatched the leftovers away. “I fucking hate you for this, but I’d be damned if I wasn’t proud.”

 

Evan and Connor watched the other boy retreat into the kitchen before making eye contact and bursting into laughter. 

 

“Damn Ev, I didn’t know you had it in you.” Connor said between sniggers. 

 

“Ah well, you know, there’s more to me than what meets the eye.”

 

————

 

After they recovered from laughing the two boys met the other in the kitchen. Jared was violently slicing a slice of buttered bread into triangles and dumpling sprinkles on the top.

 

“What… are you doing?” Evan asked going on tippy toes trying to make sense of the meal Jared was making. 

 

Kleinman brought two plates of the colorful bread with him as he met the others across the room. “So basically what I was thinking was-“

 

Before Connor knew what he was doing he had slapped the sugar monstrosities onto the ground.

 

“Ah, fuck. I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

 

Evan looked between the two in shock. “…did you just?”

 

Jared picked the dessert up from off the floor in a huff. “What I was _going_ to say was, since you two are big fat homos-“

 

“So?” Connor dismissed.

 

Evan countered with “Bisexual, actually,” at the same time. 

 

The two looked at each other in shock. Connor wished above all else that Evan was feeling the same hopeful excitement that he had felt. 

 

He tried to smile as gently as he could in Ev’s direction and almost imploded when the freckled boy smiled back. 

 

“Ok, then. Since you two are big fat _queers,_ ” Jared unfortunately went on, “I thought I would make some rainbow Australian delicacies.”

 

“Delicacies?” Connor doubted.

 

“It’s called fairy bread you uncultured swine. But, whatever, you bitch slapped it onto the ground so now you will never taste the overwhelming joy of it all.”

 

“Ah, darn. I was really looking forward to eating it.” Connor droned in a sarcastic voice. Beside Connor, Evan let out a long yawn. “Bed time?”

 

Evan responded with a weary nod.

 

————

 

It felt weirdly comforting returning to his old roll out bed, like the first night’s sleep in your own room after an exhausting holiday. Connor shifted his position and reexamined the room. It was exactly the same as before. True, he had only been gone a week, he hadn’t really expected anything to change. Nevertheless, he was really, really glad it hadn’t.

 

Connor shifted again. He was the only one awake now. Evan had drifted off fairly easily and Kleinman stayed up longer; broadcasting every thought that popped into his head to the room, before falling asleep as well.

 

Connor wasn’t sure how long he had been awake for and had started trying his best to work out some method of measuring time without a clock before his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Evan tossing and turning over in his bed. 

 

His once peaceful breathing turned sharp and jagged. Incoherent and rushed mumbles escaped his mouth, sending alarm bells ringing in Connor’s head. Whatever nightmare Ev was having, Connor needed to stop it. 

 

Connor walked over to the edge of Evan’s bed as quietly as possible, instinctively starting to stroking his fingers through Ev’s hair, brushing the strands away from his face. 

 

After a few minutes of the action Evan returned to his peaceful stated and Connor was satisfied with the sleeping boy’s condition, he slowly pulled his hand away-

 

Evan’s eyes cracked open. “Connor?” His voice was coarse with sleep. “Don’t… don’t go… stay…please, stay?” 

 

He patted the free space on the bed behind him and Connor’s heart leapt into his throat.

 

Carefully, the lanky boy moved into the free spot on the bed and, with Evan’s sleep addled encouragement, ended up with his arms wrapped again the warmth of the other boy’s body. 

 

Despite trying to suppress an out loud keyboard smash, Connor found an instant serenity.

 

He once more surveyed the room from this new position, curled up into Evan. So… maybe a _few_ things had changed.

 

Connor drifted asleep in no time at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there it is :)
> 
> (fairy bread is actually good and a big part of my childhood lol sorry for attacking it)
> 
> let me know what you think!  
> thank you for supporting my writing, i hope you have a good day :)
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @i-really-like-trees-and-cats


	11. chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aftermath of the cozy sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heh so um guess whos not dead

”Holy. Shit.” The sounds startled Evan awake from the best sleep he had had in weeks. “HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.”

Jared was standing over Evan’s bed sniggering behind his poised phone, camera sounds going off every few seconds, making Evan’s entire body cringe. I mean, what kind of monster still has their camera sounds turned on.

The comfort Evan had felt was stirred. No- wait. The comforting thing behind Evan’s back was stirring. 

Evan shifted a little, pleading that the memories of last night he had started to recollect weren’t true. Well, maybe just a little true. 

The long body starting to wake next to him was plenty of confirmation. Evan could practically feel his face blazing with red as he bolted upright, shoving Connor in the process.

“Hey! What th-“ Connor’s eyes widened as the situation dawn upon him, looking between Evan, the bed and the threat of Jared’s smirk. “Oh, I uh- I have to…” Connor practically sprinted into the bathroom not being able to wait to close the door before scrunching a hand over his reddened face.

“…wow.” Jared’s eyebrows were as high as can be, “I think that may have been a new world record”

Evan only stared at the shut bathroom door, mouth agape and breathing heightened.

“I mean, do you see how fast the emo tower ran out of here?”

Evan’s fingers raked through his hair and gripped tight.

“Do you like smell bad or something?” Jared chuckled to himself before turning toward Evan’s distressed form. “Oh, no, I didn’t mean that- I… what happened last night?”

Evan worked to slow his breathing before answering, “well I- I fell asleep quickly and, um, well, I had a nightmare. But then it went away, and I woke up, and Connor was there… and, uh, I may have asked him to sleep next to me.“

“Well who’d’ve thought that sleepy Evan has more game than awake Evan- no, wait- that makes complete sense I can’t believe I didn't call that. But like he did cuddle you so… that’s good, hey?”

A small smile crept onto Evan’s face. “…yeah. Yeah. I guess it is?”

“Hah! I. Knew. It. I knew it.” Concern was washed over with smugness on Jared’s face. 

“Shush up! He- he probably only he felt sorry for me. I mean clearly- he- he was grossed out by it. it’s not like it meant anything-“

“Riggghhhtttt. So tall gay over there who has been living and flirting with you this entire time, consciously made the choice to get into your bed? And you don't think that means anything?”

“…no?” Evan turned his attention back to the closed bathroom door before snapping back to Jared, “Wait! Flirting?”

Jared snorted. “Oh you oblivious little acorn.”

“There’s no way that Connor would-“ Evan dropped to a whisper, “That he would like me back?”

“Oh my god.”

The two were cut off by the bathroom door opening. Connor stepped out, face still flushed.

“Uh. Evan. I’m sorry that I did that I-“

“NO!” Connor was cut off by Evan’s flailing arms.

“But I-“

“No. Don’t- don't apologize. Just- I mean- um.”

“OK then kiddos I think I'm just gonna skedaddle” Jared started walking backwards out of the room, finger guns raised at the stunned boys. “I’ll be back later to get my stuff. Peace.”

The room filled with unspoken words as Connor and Evan carefully watched each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully i'll finish this soon instead of dropping off the face of the earth but ya know we'll see


	12. chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> disaster gays tm

Connor bathed in the tension between them realizing how big of a mistake he had made. Why on earth would he think that Evan half asleep would feel the same as real Evan?

He let out a harsh breath, his frustration with himself tangling up inside him even more. He was doing it again. Forcing himself into peoples lives when clearly he wasn't wanted. 

“Do you want me to… I’ll just leave then?” 

Connors eyes were forced to snap back to Evan’s frantic form, away from where they had started drifting.

“No! No- no- please- please don’t!” The shorter boy had taken a few hasty steps forward, “I just- when you left I couldn’t- I just felt so empty- and, um- well I couldn’t help thinking about when we were to-together. It was just- you’re the only one who’s um- calmed me? I guess? You just you make me feel so happy and light and like maybe the world isn’t gonna end if I do something wrong? When we’re together you just- you make me better and-“

Connor was barely keeping up by this point, Evans ramblings had sped off and left him near breathless. It couldn’t be true though, could it? That Evan might actually feel the same way as he does? A flickering of hope tickled his chest edging him on to find out more- 

But, no. Not now. He shook the feeling away setting himself back on task. 

“Ev, hey, don’t worry ok? It’s ok you don’t have to- Just breathe with me-“

“Connor, no, I…” Connor leant back in preparation, “I like you!”

A dull breathe of laughter escaped through Connor’s lips. Heh. No. No way. He didn’t really. No. Why would he? I mean. It’s pity right? He just doesn't want him sulking on the street again. God. Evan’s too good for any of us.

“Yeah, uh, I like you too. You’re a really great friend.”

The frustration that Connor felt at himself was overwhelming it seemed to make a sound of it’s own. 

No. Wait. That was Evan.

“Not l-like that you- you i-idiot!” Shaking hands were dragged over his freckled face. “I like you like you! Not in the friendship way!”

“…oh.” 

The taller stands frozen. Conflicting thoughts battling it out in his head. Hopeful celebrations and persitenct guilt all coming together to form the single word. 

“Why?”

“B-because you’re so caring and funny and like actually nice to me? and you-“

“No. No, but that’s not- I am not that person. I am mean and horrid and selfish and just the literal definition of trash.” A bitter laugh escapes Connor once more. “I’m sorry. I mean you shouldn't even like me back its stupid, why would you? Everything about me is-“

A mangled groan forced itself from Evan before the shorter boy is striding forward and closing the gap between them. Connor’s breath hitches as Evan hesitates just long enough to look into Connor’s eyes before reaching shaky hands to either side of the taller’s face and pulling him down into a kiss.

It’s forceful at first, a determined confession melting into ecstatic acceptance as Connor melts into the kiss, wrapping him arms around the curve of Evan’s back and neck. Relief wash over both of the boys as their kiss deepens, allowing themselves to feel and be felt.

Reluctantly, Evan pulls back and draws a hopeful questioning smile upon his face. My god how can one boy be so damn cute. 

Connor allows the flicker of hope to fill his chest in an uncontrollable blaze. He leans down and rests his forehead against Evan’s, and smiles back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally ooft 
> 
> i dont really know what direction i wanna take this in next so like idk let me know what you want more of?? 
> 
> thanks :)


End file.
